normalizing (and learning to rest before vacation).

I’m sorry things have been quiet on the blog (and over email if you’ve emailed me). Do you ever feel like you get one area of your life more or less down and then realize with a start you’re letting several other areas slide?

Anyway. After our beach trip I did some thinking and writing and asking myself the question, “What stresses me out right now?” and then as I listed some things I asked, “What of this is beyond my control and what do I need to take responsibility for?”

I feel like I enter every vacation or family getaway stressed and burned out. I spend our three or four days away wanting to sleep or zone out most of the whole time. Then just as I’m beginning to unwind we go back home and start all over again.

I don’t want to live like that. I don’t want to push and push and push until I’m drained dry.

It’s not fair to my family. It’s not fair to me.

Yes vacation is good and it’s needed, but I guess what I want to know is, is it possible to learn a habit of rest before vacation? Because vacation just never seems to be enough. A weekly day off never seems to be enough.

When I started thinking about the stress in my life and when I took a good hard look at my daily decisions I realized that most of the stress comes from me. I’m an introvert and I need a plan. And yet I regularly neglect to schedule enough down time to recover from people, and I try to live spontaneously. I think in my mind I’ve been equating lots of meeting with people and making plans on the fly with pleasing God. Or at least with pleasing my husband.

But I never stopped to ask God or my husband if those are the things they most want from me.

I never stopped to say, “I’m not sure this is something I can give right now.”

And so I’ve been getting worn down.

I’m ashamed to say that when I’m worn down I take it out on my family. I’m impatient and irritable with the kids and with David. I feel like a victim of my life. I want to sit and surf blogs or watch shows in the evening instead of play a game or have a conversation with my husband (there’s nothing wrong with blogs or tv shows unless I’m using them as an escape). I tell David all the time about how exhausted and stressed I am.

I don’t have energy for the things that should be my priority: taking care of my family and spending time with them — doing it with a smile on my face rather than complaining.

I’ve used our pre-church-launch-phase as an excuse for a long time. And it’s true, it was a busy, busy season in which our whole family simply had to be stretched. But now it is over (thank you so much, Lord). Yes I still have a very busy husband. But I can’t blame my stress on his busyness, especially when he’s graciously allowing me to set my own pace.

Enough. I have to take responsibility for my life so that I’m not perpetually running on empty.

So this month has been about normalizing: finding a sustainable normal routine, one that allows me to build rest into every day, every week so that I won’t burn out.

I’m happy to tell you that God really is helping me. These last couple of weeks have been much, much better. I’ve enjoyed whole days just Judah and Amie and me — not scheduling play dates in the morning and coffee during nap time and people coming for dessert in the evening, not changing plans last-minute just because I feel bored.

I’m amazed at how relaxed and productive I am around the house on these days. I actually enjoy doing school in the mornings, taking leisurely afternoon walks around the block with the kids (without my phone), then coming home to cook dinner. Instead of feeling like my words for the day are all used up by the time David comes home, I want to talk to him and hear about how he’s doing. And by taking days of rest I become excited to have people over when the time comes.

Homeschooling, interestingly enough, has played a big part in our normalizing. I know that I can’t do everything, but homeschooling has forced my hand because suddenly I find myself with more limitations than before. In order to have the energy to plan for and educate my kids and to do it well, I have to say no to even more things.

I think this played into the recent identity crises I wrote about. I had certain expectations in my mind of what a pastor’s wife does, and then suddenly I also had this calling to homeschool my kids and I just felt like I couldn’t do and be everything in both areas.

I’m so thankful God kept tugging on my heart to work through the inner struggle rather than just block it out. I’m thankful that I took the time to sit and pray and discover the couple of things I most feel called to in serving our church right now. I’m thankful that David was honest and told me what’s important to him and what’s not so important. I’m inordinately thankful to learn that his expectations for me are far lower than mine.

By God’s gentle guidance I really have come to a place of peace to do those couple things well and let the rest go. Instead of putting out fires and striving to “do enough,” I’m starting to ask, “What does it take for me to be a fun, rested, joyful wife and mom and pastor’s wife?” I’m learning to trust the Holy Spirit to show me what’s most important each day.

It still kills me sometimes — not just the saying no, but not being defensive about my reasons. It’s fairly easy to turn a good opportunity down because you’re “crazy busy”; it’s not so easy to turn things down when you’re intentionally refusing to become busy. And yet God is using the saying no to free me. I never expected this — but it’s actually like He’s blessing my limitations by providing other people to fill in the gaps.

He’s provided this amazing, enthusiastic body of believers at Columbia Pres who want to jump in and serve, who have all kinds of gifts and are eager to use them. He’s provided a husband who lets me say no to some things so I can say yes to others, who encourages me that this task of raising and homeschooling our children is invaluable, who helps me come up with a plan for the ministry I can do.

And God’s provided the sweetest homeschool co-op imaginable, who although they’ve known me only a few weeks, care about how I’m doing, ask how I’m holding up in the busyness of church planting and whether I’m setting good boundaries, and encourage my kids with joy.

By opening my hands and receiving these gifts, I’m finding greater joy as a wife and a mom and a friend and a pastor’s wife.

I never thought I’d say this, as I walk into this new season of my life, I truly believe it’s becoming one of rest.