spring semester.

We’re ten days into our spring semester of school! I always try to take some time in between to sit and evaluate our previous semester, and then make a plan for the next one. The last month or so of school dragged, friends. It felt like pulling teeth to get our work finished. There are just so.many.distractions with four kids. Day after day of not feeling like I could finish a complete sentence, much less a reading lesson in one sitting, made me feel frazzled and very tired.

I’m so glad I planned to start school at the beginning of August expressly so that we could have a three-week break at Christmas. It was exactly what I needed, time to clear my head and just be Mom. It was exactly what the kids needed too.

And I was pleasantly surprised that we were all more than ready to start back January 4th. Before we began, I sat and made my list of “What worked and what didn’t work” for our home school, and tweaked a couple of things. But as with any school, it’s still taking us a couple weeks to find our rhythm.

The biggest change we made this semester is to put Amelie and Gabe into swim lessons with Judah. We also switched to the home school swim practice from 8-9:00 on Tuesday and Thursday mornings.

There are many reasons we love this new schedule. It’s amazing to have two free nights in our week again. It’s fun for the three oldest kids to do an activity together. Judah is swimming in the big pool now, but the smaller lap pool is right next to it, so they can see one another. Amie absolutely loves swim practice so far, and Gabe is warming up to it. On Tuesdays they are the only two kids in their class, and then on Thursdays there are six others, both of which they think is fun.

Initially I was terrified of taking a chunk out of our morning twice a week to do a sport. How on earth will we come home, regroup, and get our school work done? Thankfully the pool is just five minutes up the road at Columbia College. But even then I have to be on top of things to be sitting and starting Judah’s math lesson at 10:00.

But the benefits far outweigh the puzzle of trying to fit everything in. It’s wonderful for the big kids to have the exercise first thing in the morning. Judah’s like a different person already. When we’re home he’s relaxed and happy and complains about his work so much less. And honestly, I’m realizing that even though I’m an introvert, I enjoy that hour sitting with the other moms at the start of my day. Most of them have much older kids and I desperately need their wisdom and perspective. They chuckle as they tell me, “Oh honey, I remember those days, the madness of trying to homeschool with babies and toddlers in the house, the million different distractions.” Wait, they’re even laughing about it (is it funny? is the fact that they’re laughing a good thing?)!

We sip coffee out of our travel mugs and chat and there is a nice stretch of floor for Noah to push his little trucks around. Sometimes he cuddles in my lap with a baggie of Cheerios, sometimes he plays with the two other little boys who are there. In short, as an only child, he’s a breeze.

Even then, these last couple weeks were tricky. We just didn’t get through all of our subjects any of the four week days (We don’t do any work at home on Classical Conversations days). Gabe is so eager for me to do a little work with him daily, but that adds one more kid who needs my attention in the morning. Also, I tried to potty train Noah our first week back to school which was, as I’m sure you could’ve told me, a disaster.

Anyway.

By Friday afternoon my brain hurt from trying to work everything out. As I processed it all (i.e. vented) with David this weekend, I realized the biggest problem is that I’m working and working but the homeschool idea I have in my head just isn’t fitting reality. I’m rushing from kid to kid answering questions and disciplining somebody and pouring juice and getting out the iPad and making snacks and cleaning up the glass of water that was spilled over our history book.

I’m so thankful that David can bring some perspective to bear on my drama. He is in and out of the house during the week, he talks to the kids and sees what they’re doing. He encouraged me that progress is being made; all of our kids are learning and growing.

I began to take a deep breath, and then to sit down once again with my calculator and stack of textbooks to make sure we’re on track to finish our work in the 16 weeks of school we have ahead of us. And we’re in good shape! We really are, even with the craziness. That’s God’s grace, pure and simple, because this sure has been a year of adjustment.

And then as I was catching up on blogs this afternoon, a line from a post jumped out at me: “You probably know to ask yourself, ‘What do I want?’ Here’s a way better question: ‘What are you willing to struggle for?’” (the entire post is worth a read, in my opinion).

This stopped me in my tracks.

I’m approaching this whole home school year wrong. I’m trying to find a way to make it easier, less tiring.

There’s nothing wrong with that in and of itself. But maybe I’m not actually going to solve the puzzle of how to make it feel smooth and idyllic and stream-lined. Maybe it’s just going to be hard for this season. Maybe it will be full of distractions and I will pray for grace to be faithful and keep turning back to the work over and over and over again. Maybe we will spend more time doing school in the afternoons.

And the question is, is it worth it? Do I want to homeschool my children bad enough to struggle for it?

I know the answer in a heartbeat: Yes. Yes, I do want this. Yes, I want to struggle for it.

It is hard but it’s good.

Why do I keep chasing the illusion that I can be happy without having to struggle?

I’m suddenly realizing how many areas of life I need to apply this principle to. When I’m willing to let go of “easy” and accept “struggle,” I feel inspired. I’m inspired to keep working at homeschooling. I’m inspired to make room in my week for exercise. I’m inspired to make better eating choices so that I feel better and have more energy. I’m inspired to repent to my husband when I snap at him so that we can be closer. I’m inspired to wake up morning after morning and read my Bible and pray so that I can know Jesus better. I’m inspired to keep working at relationships, because the people I love are worth it.

Accepting the struggle is so freeing.

The converse is true too. There are actually things I do not have to struggle for. I don’t have to struggle under the weight of the repeat recording of lies in my head, telling me I’m a bad mom, a bad wife, that I’m failing at bonding and schooling and friendship. I don’t have to give in to paralyzing fear of the future. I don’t have to struggle to be a perfect homeschool mom who takes nature walks and creates Instagram-worth moments of my kids at the table doing artwork with beeswax crayons and 100% recycled paper in the afternoon sunlight. I don’t have to struggle with worry about what people think of me.

I want to struggle for the right things this semester. I want to let the wrong things go.

And so, I’m ready to press on!