I’ve been trying to think about goals the past couple of weeks but I keep getting stuck. In case you haven’t noticed, I’ve been stuck in general lately: stuck writing creative blog posts, stuck coming up with interesting hobbies, stuck in the house and not getting exercise. Stuck watching too much TV.
I’m a planner, and yet right now I can’t make out my future. There seems to be a veil thrown over the next season of our life, and by the next season, I mean, the rest of it. When will our baby come? Will it be a boy or a girl? What will be their story? What will they look/act like? How will our family change?
I strain and squint and imagine, but try as I might, I can’t find the answers to any of these questions. And yet I keep obsessing over them.
I don’t know how to make plans.
I feel helpless and powerless. In short, this is really hard. I’m sure the weather and the fact that I always feel a little more blue during winter-time doesn’t help.
I realized this week that this being stuck has got to stop. This obsessing has got to stop. And so that’s my one giant resolution for 2015: to become un-stuck.
That is, I’m going to take back control of my life from this hazy cycle of waiting and helplessness. True, I don’t know if we’ll have another child in 10 days or 10 months. True, I can’t exactly make out the future. True, that’s pure torture for an organizer/planner (control freak?) such as myself.
But I’m tired of this. I’m not helpless. This season won’t last forever, and in the meantime I simply cannot put my entire life on hold just because it’s hard. It’s not fair to myself or to the people I love. It’s choosing to just see what I don’t have instead of all the things I do have.
A sweet friend, who herself has adopted, reminded me over email this week: “Your baby will come. And it will be perfect and your family will feel complete and you’ll feel like it’s how it was supposed to be and you’ll be able to look and see God’s hand in all of it.”
And that’s really all I need to know right now.
So I’m making plans again in 2015. I’m speaking truth to myself and choosing to feel positive and excited about my life right now. I’m keeping up the gratitude lists and every day looking around to see the good things I have right here and now.
I sat and wrote out a list of things I’m going to focus on this year. Here’s a few of them:
1. The kids and I had such a great first week back to school. I dreaded it and prayed a whole lot and God gave us motivation and laughter and cozy mornings together learning (as you can see we’re spending a lot of time in pj’s too). I got my first semester evaluation back from our homeschooling accountability agency with a glowing report on Judah’s progress, especially in reading.
I only realized then just how insecure I’ve felt about this homeschooling thing, how much I needed some encouragement and the confirmation that I’m not screwing my kids up and stunting their education. I’m so grateful that God provided that this week. And now I have the confidence to keep pressing on with our semester, and to make plans for next year. And most of all just to relax and stop taking myself so seriously and enjoy this process.
2. I’m going to get outside every single day. Even if it’s 17 degrees, like on Thursday. I will bundle up myself and my kids and just get out there, for walks, for exploring, for meeting friends on the playground. And because I hate running in the cold, I’m going to get on Amazon Prime and find an exercise video to do when I’m inside.
3. I’m going to use this season to catch up with friends. I will enjoy the freedom I have now to have coffee dates and girls’ nights and play dates.
4. I will finish crocheting the baby blanket. I’m so close to being done but haven’t been able to bring myself to finish, because what if our baby doesn’t come this winter? What if we don’t even need a thick cozy blanket? But this line of reasoning is silly. Maybe we won’t need to wrap the baby up in it, but he or she can still lay on the floor and kick their little legs on its organic cotton softness. And it’s still something beautiful I’m making with my hands and I need to finish what I started.
5. And finally (and perhaps most excitedly), I will start a book club with my mother-in-law, which I’ve wanted to do for forever. Our first meeting is on my birthday, January 31st, and I can’t wait. If you’re curious, this is our first book.
There. This list is for accountability and just the writing of it makes me feel better.
What are you choosing to focus on in 2015?