when life is heavy and hard to take.

Last night was our last city church Bible Study before we leave.

I know one of the big questions in your mind is probably: What about the city church?

Well, it’s one of our big questions too.  Just one of the questions, believe me.

And about that, I’ll stop and say:

I had an epiphany today.  It is that, if I am going to survive these last 9 days–and maybe even the month or two after this–I have to live in the little moments.  It’s the big picture, the big, big questions of our life right now, that drive me to panic or to depression.  Or both.

But if I just focus on right now, on reading a book to my kids or watching Season Two of Downton Abbey or spending time with friends, I am okay.  I really am.

So if you pray one thing for us this week, this would be it: to leave the future to God, and to live in the now (it’s so much easier said than done, right?).

Also, I will say, in all honesty, that it’s difficult to communicate to friends here why we’re leaving so suddenly.  Many people know that I get sick a lot.  But with the exception of the people closest to us–our team, Neetu, Priya–most don’t know how often or how long this has gone on.

So these days David and I are getting a lot of, “Why can’t you see doctors here?” Or, “I have another specialist for you to try.”

And in these situations, I must say it’s a blessed relief that our company made the final suggestion that we come home for awhile.  It’s nice to have that answer ready, and to know people will still misunderstand, and that’s okay.  They just want to help.

But all this is still hard, any way you slice it.

It’s hard saying good-bye.  It’s hard not knowing for how long.  It’s hard leaving in the middle of so much–the church plant, the Business Development Center, new friendships.  I had been invited to join the editorial staff of the Overseas Women’s Club monthly magazine, and I was so excited to write my first article this month.  It’s hard to leave our newly arranged homeschooling room weeks into our first year of school.  It’s hard leaving before Maggie’s birthday and Lily’s birthday and Amie’s third birthday Princess party on the terrace, and our first team retreat.

It’s hard to know what to pack and what not to pack.

It’s just . . . hard.

When life is heavy and hard to take,
go off by yourself. Enter the silence.
Bow in prayer. Don’t ask questions:
Wait for hope to appear.
Don’t run from trouble. Take it full-face.
The ‘worst’ is never the worst.

Why? Because the Master won’t ever
walk out and fail to return.
If he works severely, he also works tenderly.
His stockpiles of loyal love are immense.
He takes no pleasure in making life hard,
in throwing road-blocks in the way.

– from Lamentations 3, The Message