waiting.

I’ve been trying to think up this blog post in my head for a couple weeks now. But I’m struggling to find words for this season of my life.

We’ve been officially waiting for a baby for two months, and the hard-ness of these two months has caught me by surprise. I honestly did not expect to find it difficult. I think I worked so hard just to get through our process, to do absolutely everything I could: fill out every paper, meet every deadline, answer every question. I figured the actual wait would be restful in comparison. Life is busy and Christmas is coming and I thought I’d just feel happy and distracted-in-a-good-way.

But reality has been different. This kind of waiting is unlike any feeling I’ve ever experienced. Not like a pregnancy. Not like moving overseas. Not like coming home suddenly from overseas.

It’s a weight on my heart, an ache in my chest. It’s needing to be ready at any moment and also needing to just pull it together and move on with life, perhaps for months and months. It’s not like waiting in line, because with our agency the expectant mother chooses the adoptive family. It’s incessant wondering, When is it our turn? Are we good enough? Will anyone want us? It’s a mind full of unknowns.

It feels strange to ache for someone in the abstract: who I’m not even carrying in my belly, and who I have no idea when will join our family. It’s strange to feel like a person is missing when I have no idea who that person will be.

But I will say that I feel every bit as emotionally connected to this baby as I did to the babies I gave birth to. If I didn’t know it before I know now that adoption is a beautiful, unique bond that is every bit as real as biological parenthood.

There’s an excitement too. A feeling of being on this grand adventure God’s writing for our family, knowing with a certainty that we trust Him. We don’t know what’s next, but we know He is good and He’s always, always been faithful, even when it hurts, even when we can’t see what’s around the bend.

I’m thankful for those who are keeping company with me in the waiting, who are okay when I want to talk about it and when I don’t want to talk about it and when I cry at the drop of a hat. I’m thankful for friends who are waiting too, who understand in a unique way how I feel on this adoption journey. I’m thankful that God has provided all the money we need so that we’re ready for this baby to come tomorrow if that’s His plan. I’m thankful for the collection of hand-me-down baby things we’re amassing and for two kids who ask every day when they get to meet their brother or sister.

I’m thankful that I don’t have to be in the Christmas spirit for Christmas to come on Thursday. I’m thankful that Jesus of all people understands the weariness of waiting and the thrill of hope. I’m thankful that He is enough.

“The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,
“therefore I will hope in him.”
– Lamentations 3