turning 41.

On Tuesday I turned 41 years old. I asked Gabe if he feels overwhelmed by how old his mom is, to which he replied, “Well you don’t look old, so I don’t mind at all!” Sweet Gabe.

A few months ago the book club of ladies from our church decided to go see a Broadway show in Greenville. They very kindly invited me along even though I haven’t had time to attend book club in about two years. So I told David that’s what I wanted to do to celebrate my birthday. We drove up on Saturday and had a perfect day.

First stop: a little shopping at M. Judson Bookstore, which, along with Malaprops in Asheville, is my very favorite book store.

 

I bought a t’shirt and this little book, which I’ve been eyeing for quite some time. It’s even better than I wanted it to be. If anyone else wants to read it, I want to discuss.

 

Next, Jessica had a lunch reservation for us all at the Lazy Goat. We enjoyed a leisurely adult lunch, talking about life and books. It was dreamy.

 

And then, we walked to the Peace Center for the show, Come From Away. In 2022, the book club read the book it’s based on, The Day the World Came to Town. I quick requested the book from the library when I decided to go to the show and it is so, so good — a true story of what happened on 9/11/2001 when dozens of planes were rerouted to a tiny town in Newfoundland. The show is amazing, such a tear-jerker in a heart-wrenching and yet also uplifting way.

 

I was so thankful for this day with my friends, many of whom I haven’t caught up with in awhile. I would also like to mention here that the very BIGGEST gift of this entire day was that it was totally planned for me. Everything. I Venmo-ed Jessica for my ticket, cast a vote for lunch, then all I had to do was decide which book I wanted to buy at M. Judson. I struggle daily with decision fatigue, so just spending a single, golden day with someone else completely in charge, right down to choosing the Greenville parking garage, was the most restful and joyous feeling. Thank you, Jessica!

 

So now on to my actual birthday.

Tuesdays are co-op days, so generally the whole family is rushing around to get out the door. But we squeezed in a quick and sweet birthday breakfast with Dunkin’ Donuts (my favorite are the chocolate glazed), homemade cards, and gifts. As you can see below, my family knows me well.

 

Besides the day in Greenville, David sent me off shoe shopping with a friend last week because my beloved Converse shoes are getting a bit worn, and are being relegated to the shoes-I’d-wear-at-the-fire pit category (that’s always our family’s test of how worn shoes/pants/jackets have become). I’ve been wanting a pair of white sneakers, so here I am showing them off, and also showing you the difference a year made in my boy’s height (and his hair, apparently!):

January 31, 2022:

 

January 31, 2023:

 

At co-op, the school sang to me, and one of my students melted my heart with a Starbucks gift card and the following note.

 

Tuesday was a warm, beautiful day, so the three younger kids, the dog, and I walked at the Cayce Riverwalk with friends while Judah was in co-op.

Then my birthday dinner request was for all six of us to eat at Groucho’s Deli. David asked, “Really? I’m offering to take you out wherever you want to go, and you choose Groucho’s!?”

Cheryl told me that was her exact birthday request last month. She said, “It’s such an Enneagram 2 thing: to choose your own birthday dinner based on what your family kids want.” I had to laugh since for my 40th birthday I asked for tickets for The Lion King for all of us. She isn’t wrong! But it makes me happy to make my people happy.

A little honesty here at the end: it was actually a hard birthday for me, due to some different things going on my life. I’ve felt depression clawing at the back of my consciousness all month. I say this because I want to be real here. And I understand that real life isn’t always the shiny pictures we post with girl days in Greenville and new white sneakers.

I want to say that on my birthday I had to fight hard for joy. I even asked the Lord, “Why does the painful always threaten to take over everything good? Why is it so easy to mull over the couple of hard things happening rather than the many beautiful things?”

I don’t have an answer for that, except that the older I get the more firmly I believe that joy is a spiritual battle. A daily spiritual battle. Choosing joy is not denying painful feelings or situations or arguing with myself than “so many people have it worse.” No. It’s pausing to name and feel my real, valid feelings. It’s surrendering everything I feel and the circumstances of my life to God, believing (even when I don’t feel it), that He treats my feelings with great tenderness and truly draws near to the broken-hearted.

And then it’s thanking Him for so much good. So many people who love me and love my family. The richness of my messy, imperfect life, exactly the way it is today. As I make this a practice, I discover that gratitude is perfectly at peace with the ache.

And so, it was a beautiful 41st birthday.

 

 

P.S. In 2022, one of my very favorite songs was Bless Me, by Kirk Franklin and Maverick City Music. Do yourself a favor and watch this music video, which was recorded at a men’s long-term prison. I’ve found that it’s impossible to sink fully into depression when belting this song at the top of my lungs (as my kids have heard many a time in the van on the way to school or church).