three years ago.

This is always a meaningful time of year for me, because it marks our adoption anniversary. The actual three-year anniversary isn’t ’til Tuesday, but by this point in time our lives were already very much turned upside down, as we made the 3-hour round trip drive daily to get to know Gabe and Noah, then scrambled back to get our house ready for two toddler boys (rather than an infant), figure out health insurance, and buy a minivan.

Today in celebration of that utterly crazy week, I want to show you the first photos we ever saw of our boys.

By this time we’d heard their names. We’d heard their story. Our adoption agency, Bethany Christian Services, did not want to show us their pictures until we made the decision we wanted to proceed with placement. It didn’t mean we were legally bound in any way, just that we wanted to pursue these kids. Their reasoning was that it was a monumental decision (both older child adoption and a sibling group, which interestingly enough, DSS calls a “special needs adoption”) and they didn’t want to manipulate us into saying “yes.” I really respect that.

This means that David and I decided in our hearts that we wanted to adopt Gabe and Noah, sight unseen.

Was it hard?

Yes and no. It wasn’t hard in that knew I wanted the boys the moment I heard their names: Gabriel Lucas and Noah Isaac. I can’t explain exactly why, except that their names made them real and precious to me, and from that moment on I wanted to be their mommy. There were no doubts in my mind.

But it was still hard not having faces to put to those names, and I’ll admit to praying often, Lord, please just let us think they’re cute.

I now laugh at that prayer, because there are many larger, scarier hurdles to climb in older child adoption than whether you like the child’s looks. But I still understand the fear and the request. In my heart, I wanted to adore them the way I adored my biological children. I wanted to ooh and ahh over their eyes, their hair, their round cheeks.

God answered that prayer. I’ll never forget the afternoon our social worker emailed us these photos:

 

 

 

 

David and I looked at the pictures together, and we laughed and cried and yes, thought that both boys were pretty darn adorable.

We also both knew we had crossed the line into mortal terror.

Up until the moment she signed the adoption papers, their birth mom could change her mind. We had a week-and-a-half to go. Now we knew the boys’ names. We knew what they looked like. We were about to meet them. But they weren’t ours  yet. We still had what felt like an eternity to wait until they would legally be our children. Anything could happen.

It was the biggest risk of our life.

That week-and-a-half was full of mostly sleepless nights, and all-day butterflies in my stomach. I’m thankful the days were so packed full of details and shopping and conversations with our lawyer that the time passed in kind of a blur.

We just put one foot in front of the other, day by day, and trusted God in a way we never had before. We were either going to be the proud parents of two new children, or completely heartbroken. In faith, we involved Judah and Amie, allowing them to meet and spend time with the boys before they were legally their brothers.

But by this point we knew our birth mother, and we loved her and felt the utmost compassion for her. She was a real person, not a stereotype, and as afraid as we were, we knew that this week was costing her far more. It was a leap for every one of us.

So emotional was this whole process, that David and I made the decision together that it was all or nothing for the two of us. If our birth mom changed her mind, we’d give her everything we’d just bought from IKEA for the boys’ bedroom, and walk away from adoption forever. We could never, ever go through this again.

But God was with all of us in our dark, scary moments.

He took care of each detail, so we could trust Him for the next. Like I mentioned, we’d set out to adopt one child. We’d saved up half of the money and raised the other half, and I’ll never forget the day David approached a good friend with some trepidation to ask for a loan for the extra $10,000 we needed to adopt not one, but two children. Our friend and his wife sat down and wrote us the check and with tears in their eyes said, “This is our gift. We can’t wait to meet them.”

And while God provided for us and for Gabe and Noah, I believe that He also provided for our birth mom, to set one agonizing foot in front of the other to make the biggest sacrifice for her children.

She tells me to this day, “My heart still hurts so much, but I’ve never regretted my decision.” She’s the bravest person I know.

The four kids met each other twice before Gabe and Noah legally became our sons.

 

Signing papers on April 24, 2015. Our birth mom was at her lawyer’s office across town doing the exact same thing. It was a moment of profound loss and profound gain.