some thoughts from my personal vacation.

Our stay here in Lititz has come to an end.  It’s flown by and it’s been restful and good.

When I left home I wasn’t rested.  I was worn out and stressed and wasting way too much time on the internet.

Several days before our trip, David and I took a date to Real Mexico, and over juicy-hot barbacoa beef tacos had a talk about My Role In Ministry.  I guess I feel like I’m having an identity crisis of sorts.

Who am I?  What should I be doing?  What shouldn’t I be doing? How do I love my family well and love our new church well right now?

It’s strange to be settling back in my hometown, but as a somewhat different person and in a completely new and unfamiliar role.  A role that still feels unwritten in many ways.

So we talked and he sent me up to Pennsylvania with an assignment to brainstorm about my Purpose Statement for this season of our life.  As in, What and who do I feel called to?  What am I most passionate about?  What would I spend my time doing if I could do anything?

These are tough questions.  I mean, I can answer them in the Big Picture (like, I’m a child of God, called to be a wife and mom, church planting in Columbia), but when I reflect on my day-to-day life, I feel like I sort of lose sight of my purpose.  The very little everyday problems in my life become awfully big and I get to feeling like I’m living in reactionary mode, playing defense for a volley of things that come my way each day — both as a mother of young children and as the wife of someone in ministry.

So I start to coast.  And also, more often than I’d like to admit, I end up venting to David, I just can’t do everything; no matter what I do I’m always letting someone down.

But when I stop and take a good honest look at my days, I wonder, is he really expecting me to do everything?  Is anyone else in my life expecting me to do everything?  Or is it just me?  Am I putting a big heavy load on my own shoulders, letting the joy drain away as I worry about being and doing enough, as I worry about letting people down?  Am I creating my identity crisis?

So I’ve been up in here Lititz all week, with space to breathe and time to go for long walks and talk to my in-laws and sit alone with my thoughts.

And this is what the rest and the distance and the reflection have shown me this past week:

I love my life.

I do.

I love it and I chose it.

Some days are hard.  There’s a whole lot David and I are trying to figure out on the fly about routines and boundaries and finding ourselves in a ministry that’s fluid and refuses to be fit into a tidy box.  Some weeks we Make A Plan, then a curveball sails our way and we have to change everything.  We make mistakes and don’t communicate well and at times forget that we’re on the same team.  And all of this is stretching me in new ways, exposing insecurities and weaknesses and deep-seated fears.

But, getting away, taking a deep breath, looking at the whole picture of my life rather than all the flying pieces that compete for my attention gives me a fresh perspective and a fresh gratitude for where God has brought us.

And as I look back on other seasons I remember how God has been redeeming the hard and sad and stressful things for good.  I remember how much I’ve learned, how really and truly I’ve been shaped more through the trials than through any of the easy things.

And thinking on all this, I’m even grateful for the stretching, hard parts of our life right now.  God wants to turn my attention to Him, and He often pushes me beyond my comfort level in order to do it.  The worst thing would be for me to think I that I can do enough and be enough for everyone.  Then I’d be working hard for my own glory and not resting in His.

The mystery of the gospel is that it’s not in my strength He’s made strong; it’s in my weakness.

It may take my whole life to know and embrace that down to my core.

I’m still working on my purpose statement.  I’ve got a list of bullet points.  But for now here’s a couple thoughts to chew on as the kids and I journey home tomorrow.

1. I want to grow my habit of gratitude.  I want to shrink my habit of complaining.

2. I want to value being more than doing.  I hardly know what this means.  But I suspect it involves learning to sit and be with my Father.  I suspect it involves worship.

3. I want to enjoy my life.  I don’t want to be a martyr.  I don’t want people to feel sorry for me or to feel sorry for myself.  I want to have hobbies and laugh a whole lot and see the people in my life with the sparkle-eyed smile of delight my Father turns toward me.

If any of this rambling strikes a chord, if you’ve learned a bit on your own journey, would you share it with me? Through a comment or an email or when we see each other next?  I have a lot to learn and there’s many mistakes to be made, but tonight I’m feeling hopeful.  I’m heading home to my husband and to my life with an expectant smile, knowing that I’m not alone.