road trip reflections.

Hello friends!

It was fun to sit and read back through our Road Trip blog posts in preparation for writing to you today. It’s been six months since the trip, which we took in September, 2018.  I gathered some of my favorite pictures from our experience, and have a few reflections as I think back.

But first: if you’re new to the blog and would like to follow our actual trip, start here.

To summarize: In 19 days we drove 6,000 miles total to the Grand Canyon and back (actually the farthest point west we reached was Las Vegas), through 19 states (hey, 19 states in 19 days!), three time zones, visited 6 National Parks, and used too many public restrooms (or didn’t use restrooms, as the case may be) to count.

And for your reference, our kids were 11, 9, 7, and 5 years old.

We’ve traveled a good bit as a family, but this was the first time we’ve ever attempted a trip of that magnitude.

Here’s what stands out to me as I reflect on the experience.

 

 

1. We were uncomfortable a lot. But I don’t remember that now.

The biggest thing that struck me in reading over posts and remembering the details of our trip was that it was harder than I remember. All of it: The prep was hard. The pace was hard. The hikes were hard. The constant togetherness and not sleeping well at night and living out of suitcases for nearly three weeks was hard.

But you know what?

Before I was reminded about the hard, all I had in my mind was the good.

A big road trip is like labor and childbirth. Surely there ‘s a literal chemical in our brains that erases the pain and makes us think a couple months later, “That was fun! Let’s do it again!”

For that reason, it was very instructive for David and me to sit and read back over the blog this week. Afterwards we looked at one another and said, “Let’s take another road trip! But not anytime soon.”

 

 

The big lesson in this is that often the most rewarding things in life are really hard.

I don’t know about you, but I need this reminder constantly as I turn from a sink full of dirty dishes to discipline a child, or sit down to plan how to educate four kids next year, or work through a disagreement with my husband, or show up to serve at church on Sunday when I’m tired of people and their needs and just wanted to sleep in.

Planning and taking a three-week trip across America was a little picture of a big reality.

It’s a living lesson, one I can call to mind for myself and for my children when I’m helping them face their own unique challenges in life.

I want us to be in the habit of struggle. Because this is the way we grow as human beings.  There’s no short cut. We grow through challenge — not just through physical challenge, but through character and relational challenge.

But there’s good news! Not only do doing hard things make us strong and mature, doing hard things stretches our capacity for hard things.

It gives us a sense of victory: I actually did that thing I didn’t think I could do!

 

 

And hard things also inspire us to set our sights a little bit higher next time. “We tackled that 4-mile hike to Emerald Lake in the Colorado Rockies. I bet we could do a 6-mile hike next time!”

I could give so many personal examples beyond driving to the Grand Canyon, but here’s a couple of the biggies: my actual capacity for stress has been stretched enormously by adopting two boys, and by being a pastor’s wife. Those are challenges in my life that have taught me resilience and strengthened my character in the face of ongoing stress.

Because parts of my life are stressful, I can handle stressful things.

I’m also less likely to say no to something because it feels too hard, because I’ve learned I can do more than I think I can.

And, isn’t it interesting that my boys and my church are also two of the parts of my life that bring me the most joy?

 

 

The older I get the more I come to believe that challenge and joy go hand-in-hand.

I came so close to never experiencing the joy of this trip, and do you know why?

I was afraid.

I was afraid of the unknown. I was afraid of places I haven’t seen. I was afraid of our van breaking down 3,000 miles from home in the middle of nowhere. I was afraid of spending the money.

At least two different times in early 2018, I panicked and tried to talk David out of this trip. I’m so glad he didn’t listen to me.

I may be comfortable if I consistently choose to retreat or hole up in the face of hard things. I may even be entertained.

But will I be joyful? Will I be mature?

Don’t run from hard. Hard is worth it.

 

 

2. Doing all the work to be prepared was really important.

The work that we invested in this road trip made it enjoyable.

Most of this work happened prior to leaving. The hours of planning, researching, booking places to stay, purchasing supplies, and learning how to undertake a long road trip with kids directly correlated to our enjoyment of the trip.

Being organized really does pay off.

 

 

That way, when you’re on the road, you’re not spending your time problem-solving where to get food for your day or what to do in the national park; you’re focusing on one another and the places you get to see.

David and I viewed this trip as a mini-sabbatical. It was the longest vacation we’d ever taken together.

And because we worked so hard as a team in the months leading up to traveling, we both felt very restored upon returning. We loved our time away. We truly disconnected from stress and decision fatigue and vision-casting and emails and texts.

We lived in the moment, with our thoughts, with the beauty that was all around us, and with one another.

If you aren’t a naturally organized person: have no fear! You can learn to be more organized (remember point number one: You can do hard things!).

 

 

I am a person who has to learn to be more laid back and accepting about certain things. Maybe you’re a person who has to learn to be organized. That’s okay. We’re all learning something. Don’t think for a moment you’re a victim to your lack of organization.

You’re just going to need a little help. When I come across a part of my personality I need to grow in, I spend time with someone who possesses that characteristic. I ask them lots of questions and listen to their stories and try to learn how to be a little more like them in that area.

So if organization is a battle for you, find a friend to give you pointers about planning a trip. And then (here’s the kicker), follow their advice!

It will be very helpful if you practice on a couple of small trips first. 

David and the kids and I drove to Pittsburgh in July to visit our family, and we viewed it as a trial run; throughout the 4 days, the two of us discussed how to pack the cooler with lunches and car activities and took notes about what we learned for our road trip two months later. We even practiced by taking a cooler along and eating our lunches at rest areas.

Five out of six of us also got the unexpected gift of the stomach bug while we were up north. So when we arrived home, not only did we have some pointers about travel, we knew how to tackle travel with a stomach bug. Thankfully this was a skill we did not need to draw upon when we went West. But we were prepared!

 

 

A couple quick pointers:

Make lists. Lots of lists. If you’re married, schedule times to sit with your spouse and brainstorm what needs to be accomplished when, and leave the meeting with a to-do list for each of you.

If you’re not married, you’re most likely traveling with a friend; work as a team and think out loud together.

For at least six months prior to our trip, David and I always had a couple items on our to-do list that we were separately plugging away on. We didn’t procrastinate — we held each other accountable. And so, in that way, the lion’s share of work didn’t fall on one person and we didn’t start out from the get-go resenting each other.

David and I have a lifestyle of advice-asking. We sought advice from lots and lots of people. We read many travel blog posts. And we took many notes.

And it all paid off.

When we take our next trip, we’ll do the exact same thing.

 

 

3. Our country is beautiful.

Travel is a lifelong passion of mine. But until this trip, I simply did not appreciate the beauty that is to be found in the United States.

In the past, when I thought of scenery and artistry, I conjured images of the white sandy beaches and crystal clear sea of Barbados, the Italian Alps, and the rain forest of Malaysia. The fact that I have experienced all those vistas is a gift.

But now it’s time for the gift of my own country.

And I find, to my delight, that I love it.

 

 

The landscape of America is sweeping and varied, and it surprises again and again.

It’s truly America the beautiful. The driving we did, the 19 states we saw, were just as important as our destinations.

I soaked up the emerald green horse farms of Kentucky. The billowing fields and wind turbines of Kansas. There’s nothing like the shock value of those towering, brilliant red rocks of Utah, but I found the craggy, majestic, endless Rocky Mountains to be even more lovely. I’d never experienced the American desert. It’s not my favorite scenery, but it is vast and teeming with astonishing wildlife that you wouldn’t expect to be able to survive anywhere.

And not only did I fall in love with those far off places, but I came to love our own Southeastern states all the more. When I was away, I missed our home. I missed moss-hung oaks and wide stretches of grass and lush azaleas and gentle clouds.

It’s a gift to go away and have a chance to miss where you live.

I remember that when we took this trip, there was a lot of negative noise happening on the internet. Much like there’s negative noise happening right now. I studiously try to avoid much of the internet for that very reason, but it still spurts out here and there, in conversations, in billboards, in commercials. In people’s grumpy faces. A lot of people in our country are unhappy for a lot of reasons.

Can I plead for a little perspective, friends?

Can we just stop for a moment and remember how many millions of people would give just about anything to live in our country, to be American?

I’m not saying we don’t have problems as a nation. We do.

I’m not saying there isn’t injustice and evil happening. There is.

But we’re making ourselves and each other more and more unhappy with all this griping.

Can we please agree to stop the complaining, even if it’s just you and me?

 

 

If you’re passionate about something, get off social media — friends, don’t even allow yourself read those rants and accusations — and go out and find a way to make a change.

There’s more than enough social media posts. There’s more than enough marches.

I’m saying let’s make a small change in a real person’s life. Invite someone who doesn’t look like you over for dinner. Cook a meal for a single mom. Mentor a young person at the group home in town. Train your children to speak respectfully and serve others. Volunteer at the school around the corner.

But don’t gripe.

You want to know what’s truly radical?

Joy.

Thankfulness.

What’s radical is looking around at this vast, lovely country we live in, and getting on our knees and thanking God that we know freedoms much of the world will never know.

If we’re people of courage, we should speak truth in love, and work for change until the day we die. But let’s do real work, and then look around and list all the wonderful gifts in our life. Starting with the wonderful people in our life.

 

 

Our road trip filled my heart with new appreciation for America.

It was an attitude check in the best of ways.

People were endlessly kind to us as we journeyed from South Carolina all the way out to Nevada. They were kind in the deep south. They were kind in the progressive mountain village of Estes Park. They were kind in the rural, conservative, one stoplight towns of the Midwest. They were kind in Las Vegas.

Let’s resolve to notice the beauty of our country and the kindness of people around us. And to say “thank you.”

Joy is a really great motivator.

 

 

4. We learned how to wonder.

Of course kids are great at wonder, aren’t they? Some are better than others.

David and I habitually count one of the greatest contributions Gabe and Noah have brought to the Gentino family as their sense of wonder. God has given them the gift of eyes to see.

They wonder over everything. Noah wakes up in the morning and bursts out of his bedroom full-tilt already exploding with wonder. “Look! Honey Cheerios!! Mom, that’s a lot of kombucha!! Dad, come look at my Lego battle creation!!”

Life at home tempts us to get in a rut. Our habits. Our daily commute.

Travel — even if all you can manage is a stroll in Congaree National Park or a day trip to Isle of Palms — restores our sense of wonder. It makes the world bigger.

 

 

It was a lovely thing to experience that times six. All of us learned to wonder more, with Gabe and Noah.

I can’t believe in retrospect that I actually stressed about missing three weeks of school with my children for the chance to travel. At one point in my worrying, my Mom just looked at me and said, “Julie! This kind of learning is going to be just as important for them — if not more so!”

Turns out she was right. The many people who convinced us to take the trip were right.

When you’re studying flora and fauna and terrain and wildlife, there’s just nothing in the world like being right there to see it. Nothing.

The majesty of mountains are something that must be felt to your very core as you stand at the foot of one, with their rocky ridges rising up all around you. You feel so very small.

Gabe said, “Mom, I can’t believe we got to see the tundra and the desert on one trip!”

 

 

And the same goes with animals. The animal sightings were a highlight of the whole trip.

Waking up to an elk family strolling through your front yard is life-changing. I mean it.

Walking the well-worn floors of Laura Ingalls Wilder’s home, standing at the kitchen sink where she once stood, is life-changing.

Hiking through a river at the bottom of a towering, dripping-wet canyon is life-changing. So is staying up ’til 2:00 am in the van together on that long lonely stretch of I-20 East, laughing deliriously to a comedian.

We saw. We laughed. We wrinkled our noses. We sweated. We delighted. We were filled with wonder.

 

 

5. I discovered new things about myself.

I did not expect that the sense of wonder could stretch to myself. It was a fun surprise about taking a big road trip.

I didn’t know if I was the sort of person who could take a 6,000 mile road trip. But I took a 6,000 mile road trip. And learned in the process that yes, I am that sort of person!

 

 

And you know what else? I can be down on myself for being such a planner (my translation: stick-in-the-mud), but it turns out that being a planner is an asset for a road trip. That was encouraging.

Ian Cron and Suzanne Stabile say In the Road Back to You that if you take an Enneagram 1 away from their home and routine, they usually become more fun, laid-back, and adventuresome. David attested to the fact that this was true of me on our journey.

It made me think, How can I live like this all the time? What would I need to let go of?

I also realized afresh that I don’t always love exercise but I really do enjoy hiking. We hiked nearly every day and I got tired and ache-y, but I enjoyed our hikes. Of course it is enormously motivating to hike in beautiful places in great weather, I’ll give you that. But I returned home appreciating the hikes we do in our own part of the country.

 

 

I also was reminded how much I relish traveling and writing about my travels. They go together. This blog was perfect. Thanks for those of you who followed along and cheered us on. Writing is one of my passions in life, and getting new experiences and inspiration is a cause for delight.

Here’s the last thing I discovered, and perhaps the most surprising:

I love exploring the national parks. They are the hidden gems of America. Well, for some of you they aren’t; you’ve been visiting them long before we started.

Before this trip I would’ve always told you that when it comes to travel, I prefer cities. New York. London. Paris. Charleston.

But it’s not true. Cities are great; I love the contrasting experience of the surprise trip to New York with David in July. It could hardly have been more different than our trip west.

 

 

And I enjoyed driving west every bit as much. Maybe more. Now, when our family dreams about future trips together, I find myself suggesting national parks as much as anywhere else. And Judah does too. There’s so much more for us to discover, more wonder to be experienced.

You see? We came so close to never knowing that.

 

 

6. Our kids became buddies.

This was another surprise.

If anything, we worried that our kids would drive each other nuts cooped up in the van and in little hotel rooms so often.

There were moments when that happened, sure. I love what author Rachel Jankovic says about life in a big family: “If you think about it, there’s rarely a moment when at least one person isn’t grumpy.” That’s true. But then again, it’s true at home.

Her point is that we’ve got to come up with a solution for learning to live in fellowship despite grumpy attitudes. And that solution is that each of us — adults and children alike — must become responsible for “policing our own attitudes.” Not our husband’s attitude, or our brother’s attitude. Ours.

If we all learn to do that, then we all learn how to live in harmony.

 

 

I love this.

David and I work a whole lot on creating a house of harmony. We’re a very normal family, with normal sins and normal personality clashes, believe me. So because of that, we have some ground rules in the Gentino house for how we treat one another and how we speak to one another — grumpy mood or not. I could write another post on that whole topic.

But I mention it now to say that we need not have feared our kids hating each other’s guts after a long road trip.

It turns out that the same habits you’ve worked hard to cultivate at home can be taken on the road!

We each had our moments, but we had very little sibling conflict on this trip. And it gets even better than that: our four kids became friends in a whole new way.

Taking the trip really leveled the playing field in terms of shared interests and moments. With only about two exceptions, every single activity we did was all together. The younger boys took the exact same hikes as the older kids. We played pinball together. We ate ice cream together. We stood in line at national park port-o-johns together. We crashed at hotel rooms late at night together.

And age didn’t really have much to do with how well any of our activities was accomplished. The younger guys were absolute troopers with all the walking and hiking. Gabe was way more confident climbing on a horse in Colorado than Judah was, but Judah dominated at pinball. And as for standing in line at a bathroom, well.

If you wonder why I keep mentioning bathrooms, it’s because when there’s six of you, someone’s always gotta go. It was a bonding experience.

 

 

During our travels, Judah and Amelie developed a new respect for their younger brothers; we watched it happen.

Not only that, but all four of the kids went on one of the greatest adventures of their lives together.

We reference living in India from time to time in our household, and Gabe and Noah enjoy hearing about it and asking questions. It’s our dream to take the boys with us on an overseas trip as soon as we’re able.

But Amelie remembers very little of living in India, and Judah was five when we moved home. So it was wonderful for the kids (and us!) to share in this brand-new big memory together.

We laughed that one of our favorite parts of our long driving days were the after-dinner hours, when for some reason, like clockwork, the kids became rowdy and delirious with good humor. They joked and shrieked and laughed and threw paper airplanes around the back of the van together.

 

 

Now, I will say this.

I’m gonna have some people disagree with me and that’s okay, but I’m a pretty firm believer in no screen time in the car. (the family Kindle is an obvious exception. But we purposely bought a plain Kindle Paperwhite, with no games or apps).

When the kids were younger we had a DVD player in our van, and we used it some for road trips.

But not now. I think habitually sticking a screen in our kids’ faces hurts them in a lot of ways. I’m not talking about Saturday morning cartoons or that witching 5:00 hour when you have toddlers and your husband’s working late and you turn on a show.

I’m talking about screens (shows, phone games, YouTube) as a daily habit. Our kids need to get bored. They need to get grouchy and learn how to deal with their grouchy feelings in a healthy way, rather than zoning out with a screen. They need to learn that they will not always be entertained, and that they’re perfectly able to self-entertain for stretches of time. Most of all, they need interaction.

They don’t need to grow up thinking “I’m too much for my parents to handle, so I have to get out of their hair by looking at a screen.” It’s not good for our children. It’s not good for us as adults either.

Please do not be peer-pressured into thinking this is the way you should raise your kids! I have nothing against using screens from time to time as a treat. But the operative word phrase is “from time to time” not habitually. If you can’t get your kids to behave without using screens, well then, you’ve got a whole other problem on your hands.

I took this tangent because it has a whole lot to do with how well our kids did on this trip, and how well they get along with each other.

 

 

I don’t like when people tell me, “Well, that screen-free road trip worked for your kids, but it would never work for mine.” My kids are not special. They like to look at devices as much as the next person. But when they don’t have the option on a daily basis, they find other things to do. I’m perfectly okay with being “that mom,” the mom that says no.

Our four kiddos would not be such good buddies, or get along as well with each other if they could constantly retreat to their devices.

They also wouldn’t have as much joy and wonder in their lives. On our trip, they would’ve missed so much. There was so much beauty for the taking if we’d just stare out the van window for long stretches of time.

We arrived back in Columbia spilling over with new knowledge, funny moments, great food, greasy terrible food, and just hours and hours invested in one another. And it’s paid off. The kids are better friends today because of it.

 

 

7. Our marriage got stronger.

Getting away for nigh unto 3 three weeks as a family was really, really good for our marriage.

I spend a lot of time with our kids, but David and I just never spend this much concentrated time together. And we especially don’t spend time together away from the distractions of home life and work.

We needed to tackle a new, fun challenge. To create new memories. To communicate with each other when we got stressed or disagreed about something. When you’re spending hours upon hours trapped in a minivan, there’s just nothing to do but work through your conflict.

We learned how to fight better!

 

 

Because we were together way more, and because we encountered stressful moments and were tired a lot, we fought more. You’d think that would be a bad thing, but it was a good thing.

God exposed unhealthy ways that each of us approach conflict. We’ve known about these things for a long time, but it’s easy to sort of live in denial when you’re busy at home and you’re people who don’t argue a whole lot (and if, like me, you just want to keep peace at all costs).

However, the close quarters of our road trip forced us to face these sin issues head-on, to repent, and to work on solutions for how to change.

I’d say that the trip marked a turning point for us in doing conflict together in a more mature, loving way.

We came home different, somehow. We came home better together.

Thanks be to God!

 

 

8. Travel is the gift that keeps on giving.

What I love about experiences is that you don’t just enjoy them while they’re happening. Through your memories, you get to feel their joy again and again. They become apart of you.

I’m so thankful I documented our trip through photographs and writing on the blog. There were a lot of times I was so tired that I really didn’t want to do it.

But David and I have sat and remember together so many little moments we’d already forgotten in the last six months.

 

 

If you’re not a blogger, consider making a photo book of your trip or experience. Actually, you can do both: blog and make a book! Six months later, I still hope to make a photo book of the road trip.

You don’t have to consider yourself a good writer to record some captions and memories. I promise, you’ll be so thankful you took time to document a few of the details.

I’d also like to give a shout out to parents who have taken your children on epic trips like this.  Hands down, our most enthusiastic champions of the Gentino Road Trip West were people who’ve taken similar trips themselves in their childhood. They raved about it: The sights they saw. The places they camped. The audiobooks they listened to as a family. Even the crazy stories of the van breaking down and things not working out according to plan.

Parents, I don’t know if your kids have told you, so I’ll tell you: All that work and time and money and investment made a difference. Your kids love their road trip memories. They got all starry-eyed and gush-y (even the 30-year-old guys), when we brought up our plans. You did a good job!

And so in conclusion, if you’re wondering, we would love to take a trip like this again in a few years.

Actually: David already has the next trip planned out. Yep, it’s true.

Next he dreams of tackling Yellowstone, Glacier, and Banff (in Canada). It’s 40 hours of driving one way, rather than 30 hours. And I’m absolutely up for it.

The fun thing about waiting awhile to save up money (and mental fortitude) that is the kids will all be old enough to help with the planning and prep next time. I want to hear what they want to do too. It would be a joy to send them out as adults with the inspiration and skills to plan their own family road trip one day.