paper pregnancy.

I’ve heard the term “paper pregnancy” to describe the adoption process, and I’m hear to tell you it’s real, folks.

Leaving that first information meeting at our agency two weeks ago, my emotions were haywire. I felt actually pregnant in that I knew deep down we’d set in motion something that will end with us having a baby. Our lives are changing. When I went to pick up my kids at Anna’s house after the meeting I burst into tears in front of her and Shari because everything felt so strange and wonderful and terrifying, all at the same time.

Since then my emotions have eased a little, but I’m up to my ears in paperwork that needs to be turned in ASAP if we want to get a spot at the next adoption training this summer. And if you’re wondering how I do it all with two kids already, I don’t. Homeschooling has pretty much been nonexistent this week, as well as any sort of predictable routine. And, I’m tired.

But. I’ll feel a huge weight lifted when our paperwork and next fee payment is turned in. Then it’s a a couple months of breathing a little and waiting for our class and home study. I don’t feel a sense of rush for the baby (in fact, that nine months gestation sounds pretty good right about now). I feel certain God knows when the perfect time is.

As well as a big stack of forms, the four of us have to get physical exams and David and I have to get fingerprinted and various background checks. We’ve been so encouraged by how helpful everyone is. At first both doctors’ offices told me there was no way they could see us in the next couple weeks, but when I explained that it’s for our adoption process, everyone was excited and helpful and worked us in right away.

Yesterday we went to see the kids’ pediatrician (photo above) and she wanted to hear everything about our decision to adopt and said, “I can’t wait to meet that baby!”

All of this is such a balm to my racing heart.

There’s so many unknowns. What will the baby be like? How long will we wait? Am I going to be a good mom of three kids?

And then there’s the weight of knowing all of this involves a woman who has to make an incredibly hard decision: to have another family parent her child. And it involves a baby who will experience significant loss before he or she is ever placed in our arms. And so I pray for the birth mom as I clean my floors and sign forms and figure out how to re-organize the house for a baby’s room. I pray for our baby.

Physically, paper pregnancy is a million times easier than my two biological pregnancies. Emotionally, it’s a roller coaster. But I wouldn’t trade it.