me.

So.  How I’m doing.

It’s been a hard week.  Really hard.  Here’s the whole story.

On Thursday night we went to see a doctor for these headaches I’ve been having for weeks now, and when we got home I just had–for lack of a better term–a break down.  At 7 pm I went to bed with a splitting headache, but it was more than that.  I felt like I couldn’t move.  I couldn’t talk to anyone or even bear to hear normal noises, like my kids’ voices or doors opening, or see light.  My arms and legs felt too heavy to lift.

So, we’ve had a week of stopping everything and trying to figure out what in the world is going on.  David has been amazing.  For the first four days I almost couldn’t get out of bed at all and he did everything with the apartment and Judah and Amie, canceled meetings, and squeezed his work into the free corners.  Not only did he do it, he did it joyfully, and it helped my heart to hear laughter and happy play going on in the world outside my door.  And we have a wonderful little community here of friends and neighbors who have brought meals and books and called to check in and helped with the kids.

The first doctor I saw diagnosed my headaches as stress-related migraines and gave me medicine, which wasn’t helping.  On Monday we went to see another doctor.  She did blood-work and discovered I have a parasite and really low iron.  Which explains the weakness, dizziness and fatigue I’ve experienced.  She is treating the stomach issues first and then will put me on an iron supplement.

Yesterday, we went to an ENT specialist who did a CT scan on my sinuses.  He said I have a sinus infection and probably beyond that, just really bad allergies.  Which we have known for years (and yes, one of my allergies is to dust).  If the antibiotics don’t help clear up my headaches, he will send me to a neurologist to talk about migraines.

So today I am on medicine for a parasite, a sinus infection, a pain killer for the headaches, and allergies and I feel so much better.  It makes all the difference to be, we hope, on the path to health.

Honestly, this has been one of the hardest things I’ve been through.  And I think David would say the same.  It’s hard to be sick anyway, but being sick in a foreign country, far from family and church and American doctors and all that’s familiar has felt . . . almost unbearable.  Especially before we started getting some answers.  I spent hours laying in bed and crying and saying, “God, I can’t do this.  I just want to go home.”

It felt traumatic to have to crawl out of bed, weak and shaky, and go to strange doctors and strange hospitals.  Those experiences are probably a whole blog post in themselves, but suffice it to say that there’s nothing that reminds you you’re living in a developing country more than experiencing the medical care.

Not saying it’s bad.  Just different.

I’m writing all of this to tell you the brutal truth.  And also, to tell you that God is faithful.  I’ve felt so, so alone, but I’m not alone.  He is right here with me.  Also, I want to tell you how much your prayers and emails mean.  I know you don’t feel like you can do anything–and I know you don’t think your emails are much, but I promise they are.  God has brought your words to mind when I’m laying in the dark to tell me, “You’re not alone.”  And that is a comfort.

I have asked “Why?” a lot this week.  Why, God?  Why make me go through this?  Don’t you know I came to South Asia for you?  Why this debilitating sickness on top of all the stress and homesickness?

Yes, me, a “missionary,” complains and rages and asks those questions too.

A dear friend wrote me this week:

It is interesting to me as of late how aware He is that we are so frail, yet He seems to push us to the precipice…seems like He might want to show more caution with us?  But it is not my decision to make how, what, and when He brings things into our lives. And I must remember I have not been forsaken just because I can’t have something I want, be it peace, a husband, rest, money, a stress-free job, insight into the future, health for my family, etc. I have not and never will be forsaken. 

She is right.  Am I only willing to accept–to count–the easy gifts, and not the hard, mystery-laden gifts?

So, with doubts and fears and questions still churning in my heart, with tired and shaky limbs, I up lift my head and turn it toward the breeze and sunshine flowing through my open window, and I thank God for all his gifts.  I thank him that, in this moment and always, I’m not forsaken.