colleen.

The other night, David and Judah went to Thom’s Bakery for a few groceries and fresh-baked hamburger rolls for our dinner, so Amelie and I hung out at Colleen’s apartment.

I love being at her place.  It is always warm and homey, with a fresh pot of coffee made, but I especially love being there now because it is decorated for Christmas.  There is a six-foot artificial tree with twinkle lights and funky South Asian ornaments, greenery here and there, and, best of all, a big white lighted star hanging on the balcony, which is how Christians in this country decorate for Christmas.

We put our feet up and poked around on our laptops, and went outside to ooh and ahh over the fiery orange sunset, and played with Amie.  Then, as we sat chatting at her dining table, Colleen asked, “So how are you feeling about Christmas?”

Ummm.

All I could think of to say was, “I feel really sad.”

And suddenly I was crying.

And she, squeezing my hand, “I know.”

And she does.  She knows.

“What do you guys like to do on Christmas day?”

I couldn’t even say what we like to do.  Depending on which family we’re staying with, we do different things.

I don’t even think it matters.  I just miss them.

Once I started crying, I couldn’t stop.

And then I said, “I really am glad to have all of you, but … it’s just not the same.”

I could say that to her, and she knew.  She feels the same way.

Then it was dark outside and Maggie and the girls came in with a flurry of activity.  The little girls, blessedly, all began entertaining themselves for once, so we sat around the table saying what’s the hardest thing about being so far away.

Then, while I still sat blubbering and wiping my nose, Colleen turned on Christmas music full blast, and the little girls had a dance party.  We soaked in the lights and warmth and noise of being together.

I can’t say that when I went home I didn’t cry some more.  I can’t say that I am looking forward to Christmas.

But, I am grateful for friends who lighten the load.  I’m grateful for friends who don’t try to tell me it will be okay when, in a way, it won’t.  I’m grateful for hugs and twinkle lights and chubby toddler legs dancing.  Most of all, I’m grateful for a reason to celebrate Christmas, whether at home in the United States or here in South Asia.