january 30.

Today, January 30th, my brother Kenny turns 27.  I wasn’t there for his party on Friday night.  I will not be there for his birthday dinner today.

Today is one of those deaths – the hundred little deaths that sneak up on you and catch you by surprise and are part of counting the cost.  You miss birthdays.  You miss milestones.  You miss the little victories and the big ones.  You miss bad days and hurt feelings and forgiveness and laughing until you cry and all the things that make up being a family together.

And you grieve and you trust God that his plan is good.  He is mother and father and sister and brother – to you, and also to them.

And one day there will be no more missing.

Here is a hymn that is wrapping around my sad heart and bringing me inexpressible comfort today.  Click on the link above to listen to it.  Thank you, Nate, for this rewrite.  Thank you, Bethany, for thinking to share it with me.

HERE, O MY LORD, I SEE THEE FACE TO FACE.

Here, O my Lord, I see thee face to face.

And here will I touch, and handle things unseen.

Here, with firmer hand, I grasp eternal grace.

And all of my weariness, upon thee lean.

I have seen the Son, the ever-reigning Lord,

prove his promise does not fail.

May the bonds of love, that call me to His side,

Grow ever deeper and fuller still.

I would have no help, nor do I need

Another arm, but thine and thine alone

It is enough, my Lord, enough indeed

Thy strength is all I dare to lean upon

I have seen the Son, the ever-reigning Lord,

prove his promise does not fail.

May the bonds of love, that call me to His side,

Grow ever deeper and fuller still.

Here would I feed, upon the bread of God

And here the new wine, is poured out for me.

Here would I lay aside the world’s best love,

And here would I taste, God’s love, wild and free.

– Horatius Bonar