day 9: the inside noise of pleasing people.

So far we’ve talked about two layers of outside noise that prevent a life of purposeful simplicity: purposeless busyness and media. But when I’m peeling back the layers of noise I eventually hit a wall unless I’m willing to look inside my own heart. I can control and arrange external circumstances to some extent, but in the end that’s not really what quiets me.

The problem of a noisy heart isn’t outside of me. The problem of a noisy heart is me.

Even after trusting Jesus to save me and becoming a Christian, I’ve continued to run hard after a whole host of things to find satisfaction and happiness and peace. Running after anything that’s not the God who made me is called idolatry, and it’s just as weird and ugly as the Israelites dancing in front of a golden calf at Mount Sinai.

It’s not the way God created me to live. And like any addiction it will make me blissfully high for awhile then leave me dried up and hollow and grasping for more.

One of the great false loves of my heart is pleasing people. It’s been a deeply ingrained habit my entire life. I was what you’d call “a compliant child.” I love and respect authority. I want the people around me to be happy and to like me. If they aren’t, it’s my fault.

People-pleasing has promised me purpose and identity and makes me feel better about myself, but it never fully delivers on its promise because I can never please people enough. There’s always more I should be doing, more people to please, there are always ways I’m disappointing someone, somehow.

When I started a ministry life, I excused this compulsion to please people by calling it “serving people,” as in, this is what God calls me to do as someone in ministry. But in reality it’s idolatry at it’s most insidious. I can’t serve two masters. I can’t please people and also please God.

One of the purposes suffering has served in my adult life is to free me from this obsession of pleasing people. God has put me in situations where I’m not pleasing people and he’s made me face the pain and despair that’s created in my own heart. He’s made me face how deep that idol reaches. He’s asked me the question, “Julie, am I enough for you?”

And through the darkness, He’s freed me, little by little. He is enough.

Finding rest from this inside noise is a lifelong process, friends. I’m a recovering approval addict who has to get out of bed and face one day at a time and ask for help from people I trust and thank God for the little victories. Some days I fall flat on my face, and others I see real change.

I’m here to say that my journey is worth it. I really can change. People are smaller and Jesus is bigger to me than five years ago, than even one year ago. The noise of people pleasing is starting to fade.