day 10: the inside noise of performance.

Another addiction in my life is performance. I see how this goes hand-in-hand with pleasing people, but this one is about pleasing God. I believe I was saved by grace, I really do. I believe God loves me unconditionally.

But I also need to live right. I need to follow him and do good works and live a life of service and sacrifice. Otherwise I’m failing the God who made me and saved me.

This idol is tricky because yes, as a Christian I should do good things. That’s not where the problem lies. The problem has to do with why I do these things, and my motivation is so that God will be pleased with me. This is a false love that springs from a noisy heart.

Left on my own, my eyes will be blind to this addiction. The way to discern if my good deeds are coming from a heart of freedom and gratitude or from one that’s noisy and grasping, is to look at the fruit in my life, and I can start to do that by asking a bunch of questions:

Do I have peace deep down in the center of my being? Do I have joy? Are the peace and joy growing or shrinking? Am I able to love other people without obsessing over how they make me feel about myself?

Do I get frustrated when no-one recognizes my good deeds? Do I feel like I don’t get the credit I deserve? Are people a burden instead of a blessing? Am I defensive or angry when someone confronts me? When something bad happens to me, is my response, “God I don’t understand why you let this happen; look at all I do for you?”

The answers to those questions are pretty good at exposing when I’m living out of a heart that’s performing to get God’s love. Sometimes I need other people to say the hard thing and point out bad fruit in my life.

Again, God has used suffering to teach me how strong this addiction is in my heart. He took away my entire identity as a missionary overseas. Even more, we stopped being missionaries because of me. On top of that he’s given me deep struggles with depression and anxiety at different points in my journey, including very recently when I thought surely I was healed and “past that.”

When you take away the ability to perform from a person addicted to it, all hell breaks loose. When my identity was stripped away there are times I didn’t think life was worth living.

But you know what? I’d go through it all again, even the very worst moments, because of what it did for me. I thought God took away my performance because I’d failed Him in some deep, terrible way. Now I know He took it away because He loves me and has something better.

He’s in the middle of giving me a gift I wouldn’t trade for anything. He’s teaching me that he loves me no matter what. He doesn’t love me because of what I do for him or what I have to offer. He loves me for who I am. He loves me just because he wants to.

I’ve faced the worst my idol has to threaten and I’ve survived. Even more, I’m happier because of it. If our church plant closes and David has to go work at Starbucks next month, I’ll be sad, but I won’t be shaken. My identity isn’t in ministry and it isn’t in myself anymore.

As I learn these lessons, bit by bit, I can sit still with God and my heart is quiet and it is also free.