adoption bookshelf.
When we turned in our adoption application with Bethany Christian Services last year, we were giving a reading list. Back then if I could’ve moved our process forward with sheer will power and frenetic busyness, I would have, as if by turning in a sheath of signed forms ahead of schedule or speed-reading books on adoptive parenting I could bring a child home faster.
These books were helpful in the way that books on marriage are helpful before you actually get married — as abstract bits of advice that you have to strain to make fit your real world. Because the truth is, in your real world you haven’t adopted yet. You’re educating yourself in a vacuum, hoping that the information you glean will be retrievable if and when you need it. But in your deepest, darkest moments, you are terrified that you never will.
But on April 8th when we got The Call from our case worker telling us that the birth mom of two little boys wanted to meet us, things suddenly became real. Very real.
I had dutifully read The Connected Child cover to cover months before, but now I devoured it again with new eyes. What was once wholly abstract was still a little blurry, but the fog was beginning to sharpen into the form of two toddlers with faces and names. And since I was convinced that once they came home I’d never read another book again, I had to be prepared.
Miracle of miracles: two weeks later, they were ours. A fellow adoptive mother dropped off a hot meal and two books out of her personal library, saying, “You may not be ready for these right now. But they’re my top recommendations for new adoptive parents. Take your time; there’s no rush.”
I was grateful for her words, because while I wanted more insight into this new tenuous-but-forever relationship with my sons, I was drowning. Drowning in this strange new life, drowning in the needs of four children, drowning in exhaustion, drowning in trying to keep my marriage a priority. At night I needed to curl on the couch and watch Parks and Rec reruns. Anything to turn my over-wrought brain off for a little bit.
Enter Month Four. Things were stabilizing. Each day did not feel like such an exercise in survival. I was reading again: happy, light-hearted fiction that always resulted in loose ends tied up. Reading felt good, like an escape.
But in my real life I was angry. I was just.so.angry that in some ways my hard work seemed to be paying off, and in other ways it didn’t at all. I was angry because my kids needed more than I had to give. I was angry because I didn’t have answers.
And so I returned to my book pile. I thumbed through one of the titles my friend recommended and a story caught my eye. I was scared to read it because I didn’t want to feel sadder than I already did about my boys’ loss, but I did anyway. Reading that book was like an enormous sigh of relief. Not everything applied to our situation, but suddenly these were people who were speaking my language. They had answers. I wasn’t alone. And the anger began to diffuse.
Since then I have read my way through more adoption books, and have found them all to be a comfort and a light for this path. Some days I still struggle with anger, but in keeping company with these books, and with others who have adopted, I’ve ceased to feel alone. Perhaps most importantly, I’ve been able to start to see life from my children’s perspective, instead of just my own narrow one. I’ve walked around in their shoes for awhile. I don’t think I have ever been more grateful for people willing to tell their stories honestly, and for experts who can put those stories into written words.
Books have helped me find myself again in my new life as an adoptive mother.
And so I give you the first installment of my adoption bookshelf. I’m sure there will be many more in the years to come, but just like that first reading of What to Expect When You’re Expecting holds a certain magic, this post will always be the most personal and most special to me. It’s part of who I am today.
Dear Birthmother, Thank You For Our Baby, Kathleen Silber and Phylis Speedlin
This book was on the required reading list for our adoption agency, and it’s a wonderful first read about adoption. I recommend it if someone in your family or a good friend has adopted, as a way to gain better insight into this very unique relationship among adoptive family, adopted child, and birth family. Even if the birth parents are not involved or known, they are forever part of the adoptive family, and being open and realistic about it helps everyone. One of my favorite quotes says, “You will never be the sole parent(s) of your adopted child.” David and I were already interested in an open adoption, but after this book, we were committed to do whatever we could to make it happen.
The Connected Child: Bring Hope and Healing to Your Adoptive Family, Karyn B. Purvis
As I mentioned, I’ve read The Connected Child twice, and I plan to read it again in the future. I find it very helpful not just for adoptive families, but for families of children with any kind of special behavioral or emotional needs. Actually, it’s an all-around great parenting book! Even children who were adopted in early infancy have a history. They’ve experienced tremendous loss, and in some instances, trauma and abuse even inside the womb. This is a wonderful, hopeful guide to being part of their healing process from Day One.
Instant Mom, Nia Vardalos
My cousin Evie texted me about this book when I told her we were adopting older kids. Nia Vardalos (who wrote and starred in My Big Fat Greek Wedding), adopted a three-year-old girl out of the foster care system. This is a sad, funny, and beautiful memoir of her journey through infertility and adoption.
Attachment-Focused Parenting, Daniel A. Hughes
“Attachment” is probably the most common and scariest word in the adoption world. As David and I prayed through situation after situation and considered what levels of special needs our family was equipped to face, I remember thinking often, I can do some special needs; what I’m most terrified of is that this child won’t attach to me.
All of us want a reciprocal, connected relationship with our children. There’s no fool-proof trick to guaranteeing adopted children attach, because that falls into the realm of God’s work, but this book offers practical guidance that has been of great value these last six months. As with a couple of other books in this post, it need not be adoption-specific, and has much wise parenting advice, especially for maintaining connection as children transition into the tween and teen years.
Parenting the Hurt Child: Helping Adoptive Families Heal and Grow, Gregory C. Keck and Regina M. Kupecky
The title and contents of this book are heavy, but it’s concise and insightful. I worried that the descriptions of child abuse would be too graphic for me, but they weren’t. Instead, the book brings into the light issues that are often dark and murky. It gives practical steps to understanding and becoming part of the healing process of children who have experienced abuse, neglect, and trauma. Like The Connected Child, it is very honest about the impact of such history, but has a hopeful tone about the power of parents to love wounded children.
No Biking in the House Without A Helmet, Melissa Fay Greene
I first read this memoir in 2012, the summer after our sudden return from India. Melissa Fay Greene and her husband had four biological children and then adopted five from Bulgaria and Ethiopia. Her book is laugh-out-loud funny and will leave you feeling like you personally know the Greene family. I cried throughout that summer because we were in the midst of dying to our dream of adopting children, but I loved it anyway.
I remembered the book a month ago when I was hungry for any stories about adoption I could get my hands on, and this time I cried for different reasons. Although our stories are very different, so much of Greene’s emotional experience in her adoptions mirrors my own, and it’s good to feel normal. I was also filled up with wonder and gratitude that God gave us back our dream. His timing is truly perfect.
Half a World Away, Cynthia Kadohata
This is the one fictional book on my list, and I can’t even remember how I stumbled across it. It’s a beautiful story, told from the perspective of a 12-year-old boy adopted from Romania who has serious attachment issues. This a perfect example of the power of story to move you toward compassion for someone you’d normally dislike. I loved it so much that I read it twice, and can’t wait to share it with all of my kids when they get a little bit older.
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If you decide to read one book off this list, I recommend No Biking In the House Without a Helmet; and if you’re interested in another, try Half a World Away. I think these are wonderful books for anyone, regardless of whether you’re adopting!
Do you or anyone you know have any other adoption book recommendations? I’m always interested in more ideas, so please send them my way!
